Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
