you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize