My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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