Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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