it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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