sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
