My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
