I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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