He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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