Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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