why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
