No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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