I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
