Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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