the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
