My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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