i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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