There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
