No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
