At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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