you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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