he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
