Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
