I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
