is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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