I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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