My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
