I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He passed out mid-signature
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
