That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize