Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
