Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
