oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
