I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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