You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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