In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
