Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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