checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
