the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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