every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
zippers are such a cool invention
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
