Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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