I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
