I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
