Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
