I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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