he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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