so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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