plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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