I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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