Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize