I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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