FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
