Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
