I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize