If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
