I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize