And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
