Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think my moral compass just broke
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
