I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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