Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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