I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize