i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
