My sheets look like a crime scene.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
